What do I do with this blog?

I wonder...do I truly be honest with the strangers/friends/maybe nobody who will stumble across it? Or do I carry on saying surface things that really don't tell you ANYTHING about our lives, while telling you everything that isn't really anything.

Yeah.

I think blogging is for honesty. Regardless of what others may think. I don't blog to make myself sound cooler/smarter/funnier than I really am. I write because it's my way of venting, of sorting things out and getting them out.

So let's say, in all honesty, the last few months have been the best/hardest months of my life. Things aren't always easy, but that doesn't mean they're not good. I'm battling with an illness that has affected my marriage-how could it not? But I think it's made it better. Certainly stronger.

People talk about love like it's all bliss and if it's not, they don't think it's real. I've come to find love is so much more than that. Love is being with someone through everything and loving them MORE for every side of them you see. Every thing you endure together.

So maybe the last few months have been hard, but they've also been wonderful. I'm with my best friend, the person I love more than anything else in the world. We have our trials to face but we get to face them together.

that is a blessing.

 

 

 

And there was some honesty. :)

that's for more than one person in particular. it's just for everyone who believes that using another human being who has feelings, a heart and a wonderful, multi-faceted personality for security or sex is okay. it's not okay. it's pretty much a felony in moral law in my eyes. you get what you deserve, i say.  

 I'm probably the happiest I've been in a long, long while right now.
Yesterday, after two weeks of inner personal conflict, I made some decisions and settled some things and now I feel truly content with life. I'm happy with where everything is going. I'm stressed looking for a new job, but it's a good kind of stress. I'm excited with what a new job will bring. I'm excited to move out. I'm excited with the physical progress I'm making, and I'm excited about everything with Derek.
I'm also excited that Joe and I actually TALK now. That we get along. That he's doing so well. It's nice to not just pass each other in the house with a mere glance. We actually smile at each other. I actually HUGGED him the other day when he got his GED. I hadn't hugged him in so long before that.
I suppose life can only keep going up because that's where I want it to go. 
My dad is getting into a new business venture and I couldn't be happier for him. He seems so much less stressed out and just HAPPIER lately. It's amazingly good ;)







And Derek...what to say. Where to begin. Hmm. I can't haha.





All for now,



PS- I recently figured out my dog is better-looking than most people. Pretty startling ;)
Love,

I desperately want to be good for someone.

I have a boyfriend.
I need a new job.
I hate winter.
Thanks bye.

How one day can be fun, and then the next day can be purely boring.
Such is life.

Distractions. Who wants to be one?
hahaha just kidding.
But, I really do need distractions. I think learning a language is going to be a pleasant one. And violin will be, too. If I can ever get the thing tuned. I don't know what's wrong with it, but when I try and tune it, the knobs won't stay and it slides back out of tune. :( Kinda lame. I played around with my violin a bit a few days ago and it was.....lovely. I honestly love the violin, it's beautiful and when you play it, you can't help but feel graceful. I used to be good at the violin, and was lame enough to let that slip. But picking it up a few times lately has shown me I've still got talent there. I just need to get it tuned and working so I can play again.
Life, yaknow.....


On another note, I can't wait to be twenty in two months. Honestly, my teen years have felt decades long and I'd like to leave them behind. I spent basically all of them floundering in a sea of stupidity. I didn't do well in highschool, I made stupid decisions with life in general and probably filled every teenager stereotype possible even though I tried so hard to avoid that.
Ha ha. Funny how that works, right? But.....I thought I knew a lot more than I did. Now, I'm content to say in turning twenty that I know little more than anyone else turning twenty.....but I'm ready to learn.
Score for me. March, hurry and get here. I'm anxious to leave this whole period of time behind and though I've already bid it all farewell, it will feel especially final once I get out of the "teens."




Ummmm....not much else to say. Boring day, can't wait for this weekend.
And..............still needing some distractions :)
All for now, 

Having Joe back feels weird now that life is back in its normal swing. This morning when I went into the bathroom to get ready, his towel was lying on the counter like it always is after he takes a shower. Like it would kill him to hang it up. I hadn't seen a towel on the counter for two months and it kind of made me upset even though it shouldn't have. I feel like someone is in my space that wasn't there before.
I need to get over it.
Trust me when I say I'm trying, though. I really am. But it's much harder than I thought it would be. I'm letting it dominate too much of my life, though. Yes, I'm disappointed by how everything has turned out with him so far. Severely disappointed. I don't like that I still have to sniff the air when I walk into the basement because I'm always thinking I'll smell cigarette smoke, or that my mom has to check cabinets in the bathrooms for hidden stuff. I thought we'd leave all of it behind, but apparently not yet. It feels like you're living with a prisoner of war who is constantly trying to evade you to get back to the other side. There's always a feeling of tension and distrust in the house, it seems. That wasn't there for two months and I loved it.
Ah but as I said, I'm moving on yaknow. You have to. It just takes time.
On a brighter note, Jenn and I tried on costumes for our Scarlet Pimpernell Ball yesterday. 
I promptly came home and worked out. Haha. It was fun nontheless though. I'm excited to dress up and throw the ball, it's going to be great.  We're really going to go all out with this one, and of course the one in March because that's going to partly be a birthday party for me. It's going to be amazing.
All for now,
Loves

Doesn't come at you fast enough. Not for me anyway. I'm dying for some new things in life, for some bigger things to happen. Funny thing about this is, I'm the only person in control of all of this stuff. So who knows why I'm sitting here writing about it. I guess you could say......I sort out my thoughts by writing. I don't think I can let go of something/someone/ or welcome something/someone without writing about it. It's like if I don't write about it, my mind is a jumbled and confused place. 
Well, it already is. So it's no good letting it get more jumbled and confused ;)

As I mentioned before, life is at a slow place for me. I don't really have much going on, and I'm not digging it much yaknow. I keep waiting for stuff to happen. And that's about the most ridiculous thing one can do anyway, right? You have to MAKE things happen, you don't WAIT for them to happen. However, it's the second day of the New Year, and so I really shouldn't allow anything to be a limitation. With 2007 ending, I let go and said goodbye to a lot of things in a truly final way. So maybe I should start getting my act together and make some stuff happen yaknow.
So I will. I'm writing up my full list of resolutions with Tanya today. We made a list this summer of things to do, and accomplished almost all of them. Obviously the list thing works for me and I'm sticking with it. Among my resolutions? To learn a language and get my butt in school this summer. Very exciting.

On another note...........I think I need to meet more people. It's a small world when you've lived among the same people for 10+ years. I need to get out of my comfort zone and make some new friends.....and become a serial dater hahhahaha. But, easier said than done.
That doesn't mean I won't do it though.



I've also decided as of late, however that serial dater or not: chivalry is a MUST on all the dates I go on. If not........your first hello was your first goodbye. Try not to miss me too much ;)
All for now,
Loves.